Smothers' Soliloquy: The day I built an aquarium.

[My aquarium room.

Funny Story about that next blog.]

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Sometimes I love checkups. Especially checkups with kids who brush their teeth and eat their vegetables and play sports. I ask the kids half a million questions when they come see me for a well-child checkup, looking for anything to improve their health. My favorite question, by far:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I feel like I'm Bill Cosby on that show "kids say the darnedest things."

Only most of my kids aren't that creative.

Almost all boys want to be police or soccer players. The girls get more creative, but by far teacher, doctor, and vet are the top 3.

My favorite though, is when I ask if the kid likes school and they say no,

"So, no, you don't like school?"

You don't like anything about school? Not math, or science, or recess or gym class or your friends or ANYTHING?

But then they say they want to be a teacher.

You want to go back to school when you finish?

Or a doctor.

Do you know just how LONG you have to go to school for?!

My Favorite by far:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A princess.

I struggled to keep working, while secretly inside I was laughing internally.

Laughing HARD.

That might be a little difficult? What do you want to do if that doesn't work out for you?

A cleaner and a mommy and a vet and a teacher and a babysitter and a professional soccer player and a singer…

Sounds better.

Pick just a few of those and you should be fine.

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I try to learn one new word each day. My favorite are the easy words: Tractor. Botas. Dinosaurio.

But there are always words I’m just never gunna get.

Pruine Juice. Pig. Counselor. Wart.

Yep, you’d be surprised how many times I’ve needed to use those words and have had to look them up on Google Translate.

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Gosh, I love poison ivy. It leaves a nice rash, and the more you itch it, the more it spreads.

I can't tell you how many little boys don't understand that.

And I can't tell you how many mommies think its super weird that their son has a rash on his legs, hands, and private area.

I can draw them a map of exactly HOW that rash got on their son's private area.

Awesome.

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I've seen a disproportionate number of kids with what I suspect is vitiligo lately. It's especially noticeable in my kids with darker skin that suddenly turns white.

And there's not much I can do to help.

It’s a condition similar to Type 1 Diabetes or Rheumatoid Arthritis, where your body basically attacks itself.

It’s the condition that Michael Jackson had, where your skin turns white because the melatonin-producing cells (the ones that make your skin look tan or dark) stop functioning properly.

All I can do is tell mommy that we can try a cream, which probably won’t work and wait 6 months for the dermatologists at Children’s medical center to see your child, who probably wont’ have anything much better to try.

Stuff like this makes me sad.

I just told a Hispanic mom that her son might have white hands, then arms, then a whole body that’s spots of white.

He may never look like the rest of his family again.

And there’s almost nothing I can do.

Lord, be with these mommies and babies!

……………..

A 3 year old: "mommy pee."

His mom: "you need to go potty?"

Nope. He peed.

Nice.

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Lately, we've been slow at work so we have taken the time to decorate our rooms. A few of us also have books in our rooms to entertain the kids. Most moms have smartphones that even the youngest child can play with.

So it really makes me mad when I walk into a room and see kids playing with my doctor supplies. And/or try to walk out with my stuff.

Hi.

I know you're getting free healthcare.

And free medications.

But you can't also have free stickey notes and pens.

DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY WITH MY STICKEY NOTES!!!

STICKEY

NOTES

!!!!!!!

(Which I use all the time to write down the correct dosage of tylenol or the name of the over-the-counter medication I want mom to try, because really, who can remember that stuff once they leave my office?!)

Mom, your daughter is not only not supposed to touch my stickey notes but she is REALLY not allowed to steal them.

I know you probably got confused by the aliens vs. animals game on your phone and all the other free stuff around here, but we are not a candy shop. You can't just let your kids take whatever they want.

I coulda kicked that mom.

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I saw the smartest 2 year old the other day. She knew all her shapes, letters, colors, AND she was polite!

Those are the kids I wish I could see all day. They make me dread walking into the next room where mom and kid sit, entertained by a movie on their phone, while the 5 year old can't even say his letters.

Awesome.

Your kid could be twice as smart as half the people in this country by speaking 2 languages, but you waste it.

And now I have to refer you to a specialist so your child can learn how to speak.

Because as entertaining as Dora the Explorer is, she isn’t the one who’s supposed to teach your kid how to speak.

YOU are!

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I'm getting so fluent at Medical Charade Spanish that sometimes I forget just how much real Spanish I don't know.

Which makes me look like a fool when mom asked me to explain things like strokes and the HPV vaccine.

Um. Um.

Cricket.

Yeah, I'm probably not going to conjugate any verbs in this tangled mess of words I'm going to throw at you. If you understand something I say, that'll be awesome. And if you don't understand, let me know and I'll grab someone who speaks much better Spanish than I do!

I’m not super comfortable talking about a sexually transmitted disease in ANY language, let alone Spanish.

Yet, almost ALL the questions about HPV come at me in Spanish.

Time to learn some more words!

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So I’ve been confused lately.

My new MA, who is super sweet, and great with kids, but only 19, has been putting my kids in the wrong rooms.

I wonder how I can label my rooms so my new MA knows which room is room 8 and which one is room 9. She keeps putting kids in room 8 for real, but putting them in room 9 on the computer, causing me a lot of confusion and making people wait for longer than they need to.

I thought the big, silver numbers we've had on the door for years would be good enough.

I guess some people need a bit more help.

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At our clinic, we provide 2 chairs and a table for people to sit on.

So it kinda drives me crazy when kids sit on my stool. It is clearly under the desk I sit at.

And I look super funny when I hunch over awkwardly to try to use my computer standing up.

Some moms are just too distracted to notice I guess.

Sometimes I try to cleverly hint at moms that I need my stool, but it doesn’t always work.

Maybe I need better hinting skills.

So, when I had 3 checkups in the same room: 9 year old, 11 year old, and a 6 year old who kept sliding around on my stool, I could see it coming.

Mom yelled at her 3 times to get off.

But the little brat wouldn't listen.

Until she fell off.

Then she cried for a minute, climbed into mommy's arms, while I reclaimed my stool!!

Victory!!

Or so I thought.

But when I got up, the little brat climbed back on it and slid around again!

'I hope you fall off' I silently thought as mom screamed at her.

She did, and then I felt bad.

But not too bad.

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And now, NOTHING about work.

But all that we've been up to over the past month:

(well, all except the sickness we've been having. First me, then Ryan, then me again with a Fever and NO other symptoms for 5 days, then Ryan again, then me again....All different. We felt lousy. But much better now!)