06 July 2009

More Than Useless

"I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather"

Does anyone else feel this way when it comes to everyday life? I feel like I'm not doing anything useful. I'm just studying, learning, and trying to stay awake. And sometimes in class I feel like I'm not retaining any of the information.

"What's the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you"

What If I can't remember everything I learn? What if I can't pass all my classes? Why am I even here??

"And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

"I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this"

Relient K "More Than Useless

I've finally realized that I'm not any good on my own. There is no way I could learn everything I need to know by myself. There is just too much. But God has a plan. He knows what he is doing. I'm here for a reason. Maybe that reason is only to encourage other people and help them learn (in study groups) or maybe the reason is for me to actually make it through school and become a PA. Right now I don't know, but I trust that God knows what he is doing in my life.

I want to study hard and learn how to be a PA. But it's hard. I'm so thankful for the trip I took to Cameroon. I had to learn to rely on God so much. And now I know that with Him, I can make it through anything. And now I'm even more motivated than ever to become a PA so I can go wherever God is calling me and help provide medical care.

Sometimes, school feels a lot like the bus trip from Douala to Fundong. (If you didn't read that post, you should. It will give you a lot of insight into the struggles I'm facing…to read the post, click here) I can't get off the bus, because then I'd be in the middle of nowhere with no direction. I've never been here before and I have no idea what I'm doing. It feels like I hit a new "speed bump" every 5 minutes. I'm exhausted. But I know that in the end, the trip will be worth it.

WARNING: Don't read the next section if you are eating or you are squeamish. (Just giving you a head's up…)

This week in school they gave me a needle and a syringe and let me take someone's blood. Which is pretty neat considering I'm only about a month into school. The only thing is I had to get up at 4 this morning to learn how and then I have to go back at midnight every night this week to practice. And I have a big test on Thursday. I also got to cut into someone's head and look at the brain. And then we got to cut the head in half and look at the back of the throat. Then we got to cut the head in half the other way and look at the inside of the mouth, tongue, and nasal cavity.

And now back to the books…

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